Now I know better! I began using steroids in my middle 20s after beginning a relationship with a very abusive male bodybuilder who was heavily into the drug scene, and I eventually suffered some of the side effects which come with putting illegal, unnatural, and dangerous male hormones into a woman's body.

I was constantly looking in the mirror, or wanting others to acknowledge the excellent "condition I was holding". Yet deep down inside, I knew that my condition meant absolutely NOTHING, because it was not who I really was!!! It was just tanned skin, muscle tissue, bone, plastic surgery, bags of saline in my chest, empty flesh that would fade away. But it was all I had that anyone would ever accept…or so I thought.

As with most women or men who inject large amounts of testosterone into their systems, I also experienced an intense increase in my libido, and an addiction to sex, masturbation and pornography was cultivated. It is important to understand that when a woman is using large amounts of steroids she is, hormonally speaking, closer to a man than a woman. Only my chromosomes would have identified me as a female!

As with so many FBBs, I soon realized that I was, to most, a "freak", someone to be stared at or ridiculed. Or, if someone liked my look, I was a "fetish", a simple collection of body parts and passions, an object to be lusted after, a huge piece of thickly muscled meat. Yet it was all I had that anyone had ever shown an interest in!!!

There was no money to be made in female bodybuilding, and muscular women were looked at as a novelty item. Because I had no sense of self worth apart from using my body to receive praises, and because my barriers had long since been broken down due to the sexual abuse and the ensuing promiscuity I had engaged in, I began to do topless modeling, then nude modeling, then soft core fetish videos, mainly wrestling/female domination videos. It didn't take long to be introduced to the ever increasing underground world of "sessions". Clients, mainly men, will book an appointment to spend a period of time with a muscular woman. The current popular rate is around $300/hr, or $500 for 2 hours. Sessions are advertised as "posing", "muscle worship", "wrestling", "fantasy, etc. The addiction to pornography and sex is an increasing, never-satisfying appetite, so almost all of the women I know of who are in the industry must continue to provide increasingly more explicit photos, videos, and sessions.

They find themselves doing things that only a few months ago they swore they would never, ever do! In addition, most of the women are "drug sick" with one or more of the following: steroids, growth hormone, cocaine, methamphetamines, alcohol, and marijuana. The men involved in the industry love this, of course. The more drug sick a woman is, or the higher her material goals are, the more likely she will continue in the session, porn, or dancing scene and be a source of income for them. Drugs and hormones never meant to be put into an otherwise healthy female body are introduced into our systems, and there can be dire consequences. Yet, for what purpose? To make us feel better about ourselves and heal past wounds, even though "our real selves" and our "wounds" are INSIDE, and have nothing to do with our "flesh". I was hooked on porn, sex and masturbation, steroids, and crystal meth, yet I still managed to get myself through college and get a masters degree in business. I worked a job with a large corporation for years, while modeling on the side, but I eventually yearned for the big money and the "dream life" I could live if I was willing to spend more time and effort in the world of "sessions" and in the gym. I finally quit my regular job, and I escorted full time for 6 years, earning over $89,000 in 1997 through a combination of escorting and dealing steroids, my last full year. Over $30,000 of that went to my personal steroid, growth hormone, and other supplement usage, the rest went up my nose, or for fancy expensive meals, hair treatments, nails, waxing, tanning, airfare, hotel rooms, rental cars, etc. The more I earned, the more I spent. I was always going month to month, as hard as that is to believe. . No matter how much money I made it was never enough. I could never be satisfied, as what I hungered for was something deep inside, but I didn't know what.

My deliverance:
I battled with another FBB for the affections of a very rich, successful, abusive male bodybuilder. He chose to move in with her, and I was devastated. At the same time I found out that I was about to be "set up" and possibly arrested for my steroid dealing, so I stopped dealing and moved to another state. I ended up in Texas. Nightmares of my rapes, and of being mauled and groped by all these men, were becoming more frequent. And I was so tired of having men (and women) who I didn't love constantly being "all over me", or I all over them! I hated the fact that I was never appreciated or loved for who I was as a person or a woman, and my only worth seemed to be in my flesh. Yet I also craved the empty praises of my clients, even though none of them really knew who I truly was. I had no time to spend with any man in a relationship, and dabbled in a few sexual encounters with other FBBs, a common occurrence. The hormones had me very confused as to my sexual identity, and I was increasingly depressed.

Coming from a very skeptical home, agnostic in nature, I began to read and research the meaning of life, looking in all the wrong places such as astrology, the occult, reincarnation, evolution, scientology, Mormonism, etc. However, I had begun searching, and God was always there, drawing me, watching over me, loving me. One day in the gym I was upset over being stared at by a group of men who were ridiculing me under their breath, a common occurrence. At times I loved the stares, but other times I went ballistic! As often happened, I was ready to put them through a wall!

Later that same day, in the parking lot after my outburst in the gym, I walked out to my car. Someone had left a small envelope on the windshield of my car. There was a note and a tract in it. To this day, I still have no idea who put it there. The note essentially said, " I saw what happened, and want you to know that there is one person who DOES know who you are inside, who knows all your hurts and fears and dreams, who loves you with an undying, unconditional love, and has absolutely no interest whatsoever in your body or what you look like on the outside. He only is interested in your heart." There was a gospel tract inside. I read the note and the tract and then threw them away. However, I remember that there was a name and address to a church in Texas (where this occurred). Several weeks later, I went to the church, stood in the back, and watched, listened. It took two years of sporadic attendance and the reading of books that were recommended by the staff, (all the while continuing my lifestyle) but finally all my intellectual objections to Christianity were broken down. I refused to consider trusting this "Jesus" until I was convinced that it was true, and that other religions were false. Finally, the Holy Spirit convicted me of my utter sinfulness and the amazing love of God, demonstrated to me in the gift of His Son.

I accepted Jesus’ death for ALL my sins, past, present, and future, and was born again. For the first year I struggled with my addictions, pornography, and escorting. Luckily, neither my salvation nor God's love for me were ever put in doubt, but rather they were both affirmed strongly. I was not to learn to daily overcome the sin of my flesh to prove I was saved, but rather because I was saved and now had the power of the Holy Spirit within me, and God's unconditional love for me no matter how many times I fell! After a year of being discipled and loved by a wonderful group of believers, and renewing my mind with the Word of God and much prayer, I was detoxified from the steroids, my sexual appetite subsequently decreased and I became able to live a pure life, and the desire to degrade myself ended. I have not performed a session in over three years, have been celibate and "clean", and the freedom in Christ is wonderful! To realize how loved I am, how I can have an intimate love relationship with my heavenly Father, is what has set me free. I don't need to "act out" with sex, drugs, unhealthy training, now that I know how loved and accepted I am for the Real me, with all my faults and past sins…all forgiven. No shame, no condemnation. Just true love and acceptance.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how fulfilling and wonderful life could be while living in this fallen world, with so much evil all around me. To have a personal relationship with my Creator, the one who loves me more than any human being ever could, is something that gives meaning and purpose to each and every day! All of the love and acceptance that I was looking for, I have now found. It has nothing to do with sex, money, or "stuff". It has everything to do with intimacy, and the type of loving, nurturing, authentic relationships which we were all created to have. I had been hurt by some "religious" people in my past, but when I finally got involved with true, loving people who were into godly relationships and not just the rules of "religion", I was accepted and loved for the real me, and no one shamed me for my life or my past. This peace, happiness, love, and help is out there for anyone involved in the addictive web of unhealthy bodybuilding, pornography, exotic dancing, or escorting. A life apart from all the drugs, sex, and lust for money can be so wonderful and exciting! How I wish I could shout this news from the rooftops!!! If anyone reads this, and you are going through what I went through, or feel shame over what you have done in your past, or what others have done to you, please know this: you are loved with an undying love, and there are wonderful, loving, non-judgemental people out there who want you to experience what you have longed for your entire life, yet never found!

You don't have to "clean up your life" and then become accepted. You are loved and accepted Just As You Are! You may not feel like you are loveable, but believe me, YOU ARE!

You are precious! With love,

Gina